Our children weren’t perfect and they didn’t come with an instruction manual. I longed to be Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle and discipline my children with her flair, but alas I wasn’t quite as creative. If you have children or grandchildren or work with children, you should read Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle as she has a magical way to help children behave.

Our kids offered all levels of naughtiness in our home and away from home. Thankfully they came one at a time and hopefully we grew in our skill of discipline as our numbers grew. We started with a classic strong-willed child and I wore out my James Dobson book, The Strong-Willed Child. It was very helpful with this particular little person. My all-time favorite book on discipline is Kevin Leman’s Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours. His practical and varied suggestions for discipline fit our family.

We did spank with specific boundaries, though we preferred consequences that fit the offense. If a toy was thrown or mistreated, it was put away; if one was verbally unkind, their mouth was washed out with soap; if someone stuck their tongue out at someone else or made a mean face, they stood (on a step-stool if needed) and were required to make that face into the bathroom mirror for an amount of time set on a timer. For some a time out was costly, for others it was a perk. We had to know what cost whom and what didn’t. As adults when we disobey authority we get applicable life consequences. Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours emphasizes this approach. Leman is not opposed to spanking, but for children with reasoning skills he gives other helpful ideas for discipline as well.

The spanky-spoon proved to be our instrument of choice. It was a flat, wooden spoon and it went everywhere with us. It was visible in the front pocket of the diaper bag – on purpose. Sometimes I only had to point to it to adjust behavior; other events called for full usage. We committed to not spank in anger. To succeed in this we didn’t swat at them like flies. When the kids were old enough we would tell them to meet us in the bathroom. This accomplished 2 purposes: the misbehaving child had an opportunity to think about their actions and the parent had time to cool off before spanking.

Every child is different and needs discipline according to their bent, so you need to study them to know what works. Some children just need a stern look or verbal warning, while others need a more complete package. You have to discover what costs them – what works to correct behavior. Your children are the best investment you’ll ever make: relationally, emotionally, and financially. Make it a priority to learn about disciplining skills and each child’s bent and personality. Help your children understand that obedience brings blessing.

I’m not trying to be all June Cleaver-ish and say we never blew it with our kids. We did. I can only hope and pray they won’t need to attend a support group due to our discipline techniques. My only disclaimer on discipline: Do not spank in anger. If you can’t spank without anger – don’t spank.

I am all about avoiding conflict. There were chronic hot-buttons with our kids – the coveted favorite seat in the car, the first position for every occasion, and on and on. Every imaginable opportunity for conflict existed with 4 children. More times than not, I was sporting an invisible black and white striped referee shirt to deal with day-to-day events.

We came up with “it’s your day” to help eliminate conflict. Monday through Friday we rotated children; Saturday was my day and Sunday was my husband’s day. When it was “your day” you got to sit in the front seat of the car, be first for everything, and basically be royalty for the day. “It’s your day” also came with service opportunities, like setting the table.

The most meaningful use for “it’s your day” was prayer times. When it was “your day” you prayed at meals and at the end of the day came my all-time favorite family tradition – night-time prayers. We all gathered, usually on our bed, and prayed together at bedtime. If it was “your day” you chose the order of who prayed and then each person prayed a blessing over the “your day” person, who went last in the prayer line-up. It’s harder to go to bed angry when you’ve just prayed for each other.

“It’s your day” became routine, but remained meaningful. What started as a way to avoid conflict and assign some order turned into a stabilizer for our family. Although it’s been over 5 years since we enjoyed the practice of “it’s your day”, my heart will treasure the memories for life.

Leave = go away from.  Leaving your parents means recognizing that your marriage created a new family and that this new family must be a higher priority than your previous family. This is less about proximity and more about apron strings.

Cleave = to adhere firmly and closely or loyally and unwaveringly. Cleaving is key in building a marriage that will endure hard times and be the beautiful relationship that God intends it to be.

Two of our children are married and they are sons. This is our experience to date so I will write from that perspective. Marrying off daughters will have to wait for a future writing. My mom-role changed when our sons married. I believe my job now is to be a champion for their marriage.   My work is not done – my role as a mom hardly finished. I now have the added privilege of loving two wonderful, amazing women who have joined our family. This includes exploring and studying who they are and learning how I can love and bless them.

My married sons are now in a covenant relationship, which takes precedence over any other earthly relationship. This requires a purposed mind shift for moms. We change position in our sons’ lives when they marry. This is normal and right and healthy. I didn’t say easy. It is not a competition. We are no longer “on the field” of our sons’ lives, but we are on the sidelines cheering.

We taught our sons from a young age to love and cherish their (future) wives above all others. We emphasized marriage is not 50/50 but 100/100. If each person gives 100% to the relationship, then even on days when one is lacking there will still be enough. We told them we would be flexible when it came to holidays and other special events. We would work around their wives’ family schedule, as she would come first. Ouch! Not always easy to live out.

As with any skill, this mindset must be practiced. I suggest starting early in your son’s life preparing for that day he will become a husband. Begin now praying for his future wife and her family. It is never too late to grasp this concept as well. May we be women of grace who love our sons by loving their wives, even during seasons when it might not be reciprocated. “…and the greatest of these is love”.

When raising children there is so much to do with so little time it’s hard to keep up with daily chores. As I see it you have three options for accomplishing chores: hire someone; do it yourself; or my preferred choice – delegate! Ease factor falls in line with the order listed. Overall and over time, though, you will get the best ROI (return on investment) if you will train your children in the way they should go and delegate, even though it’s not the easiest option.

Years ago I was struggling with the whole chore thing and trying to get my kids motivated. Friends in the same season of life had created elaborate chore charts I admired but couldn’t duplicate due to my lack of creativity. Plus, I knew I needed a flexible system. Our life had too many variables to count on doing certain chores on the same day each week. I needed to be able to randomly choose chores according to what most needed accomplishing.

One day in frustration from nagging my children to accomplish household jobs, I came up with a brilliant invention. I was angry at their lack of motivation and was driven to destroy something, plus I realized I needed some type of pocket system to hold index cards on which I could write the delegated chores. No more nagging and begging! What has pockets? Pants have pockets! So I went to the closet and found a perfectly good pair of little boy jeans – with pockets just the right size for index cards. I started at the hem and slowly cut up the legs until I had Chore Shorts…aha! I then nailed them to the wall in the blessings from the Lord’s bedroom and explained my system to them: the right-handed child would find their daily chores in the right pocket. The left-handed child’s would be in the left. No picture cards for me – if they couldn’t read it they could ask an older sibling. A daily time was set to accomplish the chores. For every 15 minutes delay they would gain one of my own chores in addition. It worked beautifully and I rarely got any reprieve from my chores. When I heard the “you treat me like a slave” speech, I reminded them they were actually meeting their own needs.

Delegating didn’t come naturally for me. It was easier and faster to just do it myself. But we wanted our children to be equipped to care for a home and to have a good work ethic. Delegating and training taught me patience and flexibility. I learned to accept an adjustable standard and I discovered I could live with a little less perfection. We tried to make it fun and age-appropriate. Even a preschool child can sort clothes…making light/dark piles; dust the top of a table; windex a glass door. The possibilities are endless.

For those days when nothing gets done and you feel overwhelmed, I leave you with encouragement from a treasured poem below. Oh, and our empty nest is indeed well-kept and tidy – but not nearly as fun.

This is a Home Where Children Live

You may not find things all in place,
Friend, when you enter here.
But we’re a home where children live,
We hold them very dear.

And you may find small fingerprints
And smudges on the wall.
When the kids are gone, we’ll clean them up,
Right now we’re playing ball.

For there’s one thing of which we’re sure,
These children are on loan.
One day they’re always underfoot,
Next thing you know, they’re gone.

That’s when we’ll have a well-kept house,
When they’re off on their own.
Right now, this is where children live,
A loved and lived-in home.

~ Judith Bond @1986