The most important room in the house for returning college students turned out to be the laundry room. I learned to make it an inviting, welcoming, fully supplied space for washing clothes. When our college kids returned home their first haul in was stuffed bags of dirty clothes headed straight for the washer/dryer. I made sure the machines were empty, clean and ready for use. I loved to watch and hear the buzz of sorting (or not) clothes and machines running. Somehow it was nurturing to my soul to provide for this need and make them feel wanted and welcome.

Yes, a stocked pantry and freezer were a close second, but something about the laundry room holds a special place in my heart. We try to keep the freezer filled with pizza and pizza rolls and keep large packs of soda and a variety of k-cups on hand for those always starving college students and their friends.

I was sad when our oldest son and his wife came over after they were married with no dirty clothes. I pointed to the laundry room and my daughter-in-law sweetly replied they were grown-ups now and would do their laundry at their apartment. Life does go on and now that they live out of state I again get to enjoy them doing laundry when they are with us.

So find a special way in your own home to welcome the young adults of your family and extended circle. Consider how your house can be a welcoming oasis and lure in those treasures of your heart who you long to spend time with and experience a sampling of their lives. Make it fit the needs of those you love and make it fun! Life is short and each season as fleeting as a breath – make the most of it.

We have enjoyed every season with our kids, but I am not ashamed to admit the empty nest is our favorite. Our offspring are all strong leaders. It was like living with a bunch of chiefs – there were no little indians! Yes, we disciplined our children – with both success and failure – but they were what they were and parenting was not an easy task.

Our children came in little sets. The first two were seventeen months apart. Five years later another set arrived at 16 months apart. So we had all types of stages and phases going on at once. I’m not sure if I felt more like a circus ringmaster or a conductor of a fine orchestra. But it was an amazing experience I wouldn’t trade for anything…I am forever grateful.

However, we find relationships to be easier to navigate after our children have moved into their own lives; making their own life decisions; succeeding and failing of their own accord. Each adult child is unique and living an adventure we love to watch and share. The bottom line is we get along better when they live away from home – there, I said it!

Our door is revolving and our children are welcome here any time. We love to spend time with them whether it’s an hour, a day, or a week. Catching up and experiencing their lives is a great joy. If any of our kids ever needed to come back and live at home I’m sure we would have grace and welcome them for a (short) time. That hasn’t happened yet and we have helped our kids as we could afford during the college years to make living on their own possible. It has been different with each adult child, but we try to be flexible and we’d rather help out a little more for a chapter of life than have them move home. It just works better for us.

So, as the door revolves we love to see them come.   We plan fun food and events and try to set regular life aside to focus on the priority of family and invest in our most important relationships. We look forward to their company for weeks, even months before they arrive. When family is here we try to enjoy them to the fullest. Then, when it is time for them to go, even though we know we will miss them terribly, we are glad to see them return to their own lives and for our own to return to normal.

Are You My Mother?

…or my friend…or both?!

At some point, I’m not sure when, my daughter became my friend.  Like a caterpillar to a butterfly it was a mysterious transformation into a beautiful, new relationship. Yes, I’m still her mother, but she needs less “mothering” now and more “friending”.  I enjoy the amazing, unique person she is…more her dad than me.  She is brave, adventurous, big-thinking, fun, and so much more.  Watching her life is a great adventure!

When she moved away from home I was concerned about my fashion status.  She was my fashion consultant and gave helpful advice on “what not to wear”! She helped me choose between outfits and shoes, tied my scarves, loaned me jewelry, and made me feel confident in fashion choices. I wondered how I would get ready for church without her?

I spent some time with my daughter recently and she mentioned how she misses getting ready with me and helping each other with fashion ideas.  I told her I was currently working on a blog post about just such a topic.  She suggested I write about an important issue for moms with daughters: don’t pass on poor body image issues to your daughter. She applauded me for being successful in this, but said she frequently sees the struggle passed on in the lives of young women. Important to her was my honesty in sharing what I thought were my physical faults, but learning to dress and camouflage accordingly. She said to remember little girl eyes are watching their moms and when we talk poorly about ourselves more times than not girls pick up the same insecurities. She emphasized important to her was that I never shared my image issues until she asked if I had any. Body flaws shouldn’t control us as women – we should find ways to control them.

One thing I shared with my daughter through the years was to avoid comparing herself with other women or with media images. No one looks like the women in those pictures – they don’t even look like that, but in reality are airbrushed and edited to look perfect. Comparison usually only serves to make us feel bad about ourselves or better than others. As women we must seek to be comfortable in how we are “fearfully and wonderfully made” and find our significance in our strengths, rather than our weaknesses.

So there you have it…from the mouth of a 20-something woman. As we mentor our daughters may we remember this important issue. May we help them learn to celebrate who and what they are and focus on the positives and improve the negatives where possible.

From the time they are toddling and talking the male gender craves admiration and cheering-on from the important female in their life. So they say it – every day and every event – “Watch me, Momma, watch me!” It’s in their DNA. It doesn’t mean they’re insecure or flawed. Girls share the need, but to a different degree.

Until my three sons have/had a better half I make an effort to “be there” for important and not-so-important events. I pull out those exclamatory adjectives and my imaginary pom-poms and become their biggest fan. If we don’t tell them how amazing they are, who will?

I’m not suggesting we should lie if our guys are bad at something, but we should maximize or magnify their strengths and minimize their weaknesses. If we are students of our sons from birth we will know what makes them tick and what helps them feel loved and important. It will be different for each one. As long as we’re allowed input into their life we should be a positive influence.

If men believe the women in their life think they’re awesome, they can conquer anything. What a privileged role for us!

So…be a paparazzi mom – take pictures and videos – make them feel successful and good about themselves. Get in front of the world standing in line to tear them down. Start now – it’s never too late!

Need suggestions for your cheer routine? Here are just a few:

That was amazing!

You’re so good at that!

Do it again!

That was a 10!

Good job!

I love to watch you!

What!  You got cable?!  One of the first changes we made when our last birdie flew was to move to a new home.  It wasn’t really sudden as we had been looking for 5 ish years.  While the kids grew up, we had spent 13 years in a simple, affordable, one bathroom house that met our needs and afforded us the lifestyle we chose.  However, this nest wasn’t optimal when our daughters-in-law started sleeping over.  This was the best decision we have made so far for our empty nest living!

Finding the best nest has freshened up our lives daily and transformed our time spent together when the kids come home to visit.  This transformation can happen without moving and will be different for everyone based on whether or not your children live away.  Your current home can be reworked to make it a fresh, empty, best nest!

I wanted our home to have a Bed and Breakfast feel for any and all guests.  We have set-up the extra bedrooms to be sparsely furnished with comfortable beds, which allows plenty of room for luggage, pop-up baby beds, and anything else these people-types might need.  The rooms have dual phone charging plugs, fluffy white robes in the almost empty closets with available hangers, empty drawers in dressers, and quality towels stacked in the linen closet.  Each room has a fun theme and is named accordingly.  This makes me happy and communicates that our family is wanted and welcome here and we desire them to be comfortable and to want to visit our home.

It may be different for you…your children may live close and you may not need guest rooms.  But I do encourage changing up the kid rooms when they fly.  Instead of leaving the rooms as a shrine to remind you of the sadness of change and what once was, freshen them up with a new theme.  Maybe you need a grandbaby napping room or grandkids play room; maybe you are crafty and need a craft room; maybe it’s time for an exercise room or office for that new empty-nest career, hobby, or volunteer adventure.  Whatever it is, make it fun and workable for your new life.  Change is good, even for those of us who don’t like it!

…and yes, after 35 years of marriage we got cable for the first time!