Children rise to the expectation of their parents. The flipside of this statement is also true – children lower themselves to the expectation of their parents. What determines the altitude at which our children choose to live? I believe what we speak over our children and into their lives greatly affect their attitude altitude. Children believe what we speak over them – the good and the bad.

I love the part in the book and movie, The Help, where she speaks into the child’s life over and over: “You is kind, you is smart, you is important”. She is speaking not only what she sees, but also what she wants the child to believe about herself. We need to be about this as parents. When you see something positive in your child’s life, say it – don’t just think it…they can’t read your mind!

Another way to invest in a child’s self-concept is to learn what their love language(s) is and speak it. One of the toughest parts of parenting is that children don’t come with an instruction manual. We have to be students of them and of resources available in order to be successful in raising confident, positive, secure children in today’s world.

Study each child to learn what his or her specific love language is. Speaking their love language will equal love. You can attempt to show love all day long in the way you would prefer to be loved, but that won’t equal love to them if it is not their preferred love language. The five love languages are: physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, and gifts.

A resource for learning more on this subject is the book The 5 Love Languages for Children by Dr. Gary Chapman and Dr. Ross Campbell. Other resources are available, including games to determine your child’s love language. Here is a description of the book:

Children need to feel loved to best succeed. But if you and your children speak different love languages, your display of love might get lost in translation–affecting your child’s attitude, behavior, and development.

In The 5 Love Languages of Children, Dr. Gary Chapman and Dr. Ross Campbell M.D. have applied the innovative system of the 5 love languages to children. This easy-to-read resource gives practical suggestions for understanding how your child gives, receives, and interprets love.

Through real life examples, this book will help you discern your child’s love language and learn how to create a secure environment in which he or she can thrive. Discover how to successfully express your respect, affection, and commitment to your child, and notice the improvement in his or her behavior and in your relationship.

…and the greatest of these is Love.

1 Corinthians 13:13

Oh be careful little ears what you hear…

We teach our children not to lie because lying is a bad thing that can lead to serious life consequences. But do we teach our children not to believe lies, as well? This is an important life skill that is usually not addressed in the training of our children. The best way to lead out in this is to be adept at it ourselves.

Our children will be inundated with lies in every arena of their lives. They need to be marksmen at identifying them and shooting lies down before they reach their little hearts. We need to teach them to take up the shield of faith, with which they can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Being skilled at this concept will improve their self-esteem as we teach them who they are in Christ.

Lies from people can be damaging and can separate us from what we know to be true, but lies from our arch-enemy in the spiritual world can be the most destructive in our lives. Lies are Satan’s weapon of mass destruction. I never knew this more than when our older two boys were young. We lived in California during their toddler/preschool years. During this time my husband travelled about half the month, leaving me home with two small children. I struggled personally during this time and was challenged by a dear friend to identify what lie I was believing when I began to spiral down.

So the next time I experienced the emotional spiral I was tuned in and recognized the culprit. The enemy would say to me, “You’re a bad mother.” That was a lie – I wasn’t a bad mother, but it worked – every time – until I began to identify it and call it out as a lie and renounce its power over me. Wow, what an incredible difference once I realized I was in control and could reverse this habit!

When you hear your little blessing repeat something you know is not true – stop right there, whatever you’re doing, and tell them, “That is a lie. The truth is…”. Practicing this will develop a lifelong habit in their life that will help them stay on the high road.

1 Peter 5:8 (NIV)

⁸ Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

Ephesians 6:10-17 (NIV)

¹⁰ Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. ¹¹ Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. ¹² For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.¹³ Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. ¹⁴ Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, ¹⁵ and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.¹⁶ In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.¹⁷ Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

Kids are complex creatures with simple needs. They need structure and to know you’re in charge, but they also need control over their lives at every age/stage. Everything doesn’t have to be a battle! One way we found to conquer this tug-of-war was to give a five minute warning and use a timer many times each day. When our kids knew what to expect, they were better obeyers.

It went something like this:

You have five minutes to play and then it’s bath time.

We are leaving in five minutes, so finish what you’re doing and be ready.

I need you to finish that job, assignment, game, etc. in five minutes.

We have to stop the movie in five minutes – but we can finish it later.

And on and on…

We usually set a kitchen timer, but now phone timers may be easier. It’s helpful for kids to see the timer so they can gauge how much time they have left. This helps them feel in control of their little world. Some kids are more easy-going and go with the flow, but most need specific boundaries and to know what to expect. If they feel in control, they won’t act so out of control.

Another way to help kids feel in control is choices. Give them choices instead of just commanding one way on everything. As parents we do know what’s best for our children, but we are raising them to be independent people who can make their own decisions, so we should start that process early. A practical way to do this includes clothing choices. If you are home for the day, I encourage letting children make their own selections for what to wear (within reason, of course). But if you’re going out and need them to dress appropriately, consider laying out two outfit selections, both of which you approve for the occasion, but still allowing the little blessings to choose what they wear. Then it’s a win/win.

So choose your battles wisely and don’t make everything a war. Life is hard enough.

When you finally accept you’re not superwoman I suggest a family meeting to put your non-superwoman plan into action. The event should be scheduled in advance with every family member invited and expected. This is not in conjunction with dinner time, game time, t.v. time, or any other event. It is an important, set-aside time to do business with your family. I suggest no phones allowed and paper and pencil required. What?! Yes, I believe focus is better in this setting. It’s hard to do Facebook using paper and pencil. Notes can be transferred to phones later.

The list is endless for the purpose of family meetings, but for this blog we’re going to focus on family life maintenance. When our kids were at home we would usually hold meetings when “something had to give”. For me, that meant I was at a breaking point and needed help/support from my family to keep everything together without me falling apart.

Here’s how it worked in our home: I would bring a list of items needing accomplished which were making me feel overwhelmed. I just laid it all out there and said I could no longer do it all and needed some willing participation to keep our family clean, fed, and in motion. I was amazed at my family’s willingness to pitch-in! Usually someone offered to do something that I wouldn’t even have considered asking.

The positive in approaching needs this way is that family members can volunteer as they feel led, willing, and available. During one successful family meeting my (wonderful, amazing) husband offered to buy the groceries. He said he didn’t mind at all. Seriously! I had no idea and would never have thought to ask him. He proceeded to create a grocery list based on the aisles in the store we frequented. I simply had to keep the list printed and mark the items needed as we ran out. That was a priceless gift to me and he didn’t even mind doing it!

At another, or maybe the same, meeting this same wonderful husband offered to vacuum the house and he has done it ever since. He’s bigger and stronger and faster and makes much quicker work of it than me. I never have to think about this job because he owns it and makes it happen. Years ago a friend was visiting when we lived in California and she observed this phenomenon. She looked at me and said, “I can’t believe he just gets the vacuum out and vacuums!”

When you approach tasks in this manner it allows others to help you by serving willingly. This is a great model for your kids to live while in your home. Future roommates and spouses will be glad you practiced this simple life concept. Try it – you’ll like it!

One of my favorite aspects of having adult children is watching them and seeing how they are like me or my husband – but a better version! It’s a great adventure to watch each of our kids navigate their lives and become who they are. As a parent we want nothing more than to see our children grow up to be happy, healthy, successful people who contribute something wonderful to this world with their gifts and God’s plan and purpose for their lives.

Part of our job as parents of young children is modeling what we want them to be as adults. If you don’t want your child to be insecure, don’t be insecure. If you want your child to be healthy, pursue health. If you want your child to live a life of integrity, live a life of integrity. And on and on…

Don’t live through your children; live with who God has made them to be. It’s easy to project qualities or adventures we wish we had or had lived so we can experience it through our children. If you start to venture here, see it as a warning sign and back off! Pray for wisdom to see who they are, not who you “need” them to be.

It’s simple and not rocket science, but in a nutshell: whatever you want to promote in your children’s lives, promote in your own.

Children Learn What They Live

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

By Dorothy Law Nolte

Jeremiah 29:11-13 (NIV)

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.