If you ask me to share my greatest life accomplishment, I would say, without hesitation – teaching my children to read. I was blessed to be able to stay home and “do school” with my kids during the early years and beyond.

We ended up homeschooling for 13 years, though that wasn’t our original intent. We began our trial run while living in California to avoid sending our oldest to a kindergarten class of 35 students. We thought, “Surely we can’t mess him up too badly in kindergarten.”  That year was a success so we decided to continue, taking it one year at a time. It was a great learning adventure for our family.

Disclaimer: I don’t believe homeschooling is for every family. A key to successful learning in any setting is parental involvement. You can be just as involved with your child learning to read if they go to school outside the home. Homeschooling worked for us, but it wasn’t easy. They saw all of me – the good, the bad, and the ugly. Many days I just wanted to be Mom, not teacher as well. Overall I’m quite sure I ended up learning more than they did. I wouldn’t trade the memories for anything.

There is no easy answer for schooling your children as every option comes with challenges. Home, public, and private schools are all as successful as you are involved. Problems can be worked through in all school settings. Your role is to be a champion for your children – wherever they sit to do schoolwork.

So teach your children to read, wherever they do school, and read to and with them whenever you can. Make it fun, using character voices and reading with animation. Make it a priority and you’ll be glad you did.

And…don’t compare or judge others – just worry about what’s right for your family.

3 John 4 (NIV)

⁴ I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.

Precious Moments

How many precious moments did I miss, I wonder? Years ago when my children were shorter than me, I had a post-vacation revelation. My husband had planned a fun trip up the coast on Highway 1 in California. We saw the sights and everyone got home alive and in one piece. After we returned I realized and said to myself, “That was a fun trip – I wish I had enjoyed it.” That’s when I saw what I was missing. I was spending too much effort and energy on the details and missing the precious moments.

As moms juggling so many responsibilities it is easy to miss precious moments when our mind is going a mile a minute attempting to make sure everyone in our care stays alive and is fed, dressed, and protected.

It’s also easy to be in the vicinity of those we love, but not “be there”. I cherish this quote by the martyred missionary, Jim Elliot: Wherever you are, be all there. This was a struggle for me…

I’m a detail person while my husband is a big picture person. On a visit to Sea World when our older boys were young, as we entered the park I went straight for the map while my guys went to the bathroom. I poured over the schedule and had our day all planned out when they returned. I began to share my plan when my husband told me if I would throw the map away and just follow him we would have fun. I asked him if I could just hold onto it for reference! I am so thankful for a husband who kept life fun and drew me out of my concern for details.

I can’t say it any better than the following poem I leave you with to ponder and keep in your heart:

“Babies Don’t Keep”

Mother, O Mother, come shake out your cloth,
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing, make up the bed,
Sew on a button and butter the bread.

Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She’s up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.

Oh, I’ve grown as shiftless as Little Boy Blue,
Lullabye, rockabye, lullabye loo.
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo

The shopping’s not done and there’s nothing for stew
And out in the yard there’s a hullabaloo
But I’m playing Kanga and this is my Roo
Look! Aren’t his eyes the most wonderful hue?
Lullabye, rockaby lullabye loo.

The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow
But children grow up as I’ve learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep!
I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep.

 Author: Ruth Hulburt Hamilton

I remember when I didn’t finish a sentence or complete a thought for years. I didn’t go to the bathroom alone or flush for myself for more years. I could, however, easily recite the lyrics to the song from The Wizard of Oz, “If I only had a brain…”.

I loved being a mother when the kids were little, but something had to give when it came to communicating adult to adult. We learned about and instilled “the interrupt rule”, and it was a sanity saver. A simple concept that was easy to explain and enforce with children. When I was talking to another adult, the child was instructed to not interrupt our conversation verbally. Instead, they were to stand quietly and still beside me and gently place their hand on my arm or leg, indicating they needed to speak to me. I usually acknowledged them with my eyes or even spoke that I would be with them soon. Once I could give them my attention I thanked them for being patient and listened to their need.

As with everything else in life “the interrupt rule” requires practice and wasn’t always a perfect solution. Sometimes the gentle hand turned into more of a push or a pat or a slap if the wait was too long. Sometimes there were multiple hands pressing at the same time. But the concept definitely taught self-control for the little ones and allowed me to enjoy more uninterrupted conversations and somewhat of a return to sanity.

I discovered the majority of the time kids just need clear, simple direction, along with respect, to be manageable and enjoyable. Experience has shown children will do anything for you if you respect them and give appropriate parameters.

Another example was the challenge of keeping them safe while shopping. Two practices helped keep our blessings alive. When in a grocery store they were taught to keep a hand on the shopping cart at all times. That made it a little harder to grab something or to run off. Funny side note: my daughter, an adult, says she STILL puts her hand on the cart when shopping with friends. She says it’s weird, but I think it’s funny. Any time we were in a parking lot and one of the (younger) children were outside the car they were instructed to put their hand on the car while we were loading/unloading. I would simply say, “touch the car”, and they knew what to do and why.

Happy parenting…it’s a great adventure!

Many days as moms we feel more is expected of us than we have to give. Between children, husbands, jobs, volunteer positions, and housework – there is more to do than the day or our energy holds. Most women don’t have to be coached on how to love our family and nurture our children. Last on our never ending to-do list may be to love and nurture ourselves.

Your family wants you to be healthy and fulfilled. Some days it may feel like they want to drain the life out of you with all their demands and needs, but in reality they want you to be a strong woman who sets boundaries for yourself in order to live out God’s plan and purpose for your life – even through the years of endless diapers and laundry and homework and ballgames.

Think of your life as a bucket. Be aware of what fills and drains your bucket. It’s different for everyone. Enlist your family to help make sure your bucket stays filled so you have enough to give out…with joy. If you settle for a lifestyle of deficit no one benefits. You can’t always be the fountain of life for others.

Begin by listing what fills your bucket. What makes you feel fulfilled and full to overflowing? Meet with your husband and family about changes that can be made to give you margin to pursue health. I am an introvert and a homebody. My bucket is filled by quiet time in my home. When we had kids at home that included being alone. My husband was more of a go-go gadget when the kids were little and he would take them on fun adventures to allow me time at home. He even sent me on several mommy vacations for the ultimate retreat and re-filling.

So consider taking some time to ponder your own bucket. What changes does your family need to make to empower you in a positive direction? What activities and demands do you need to remove and/or add to keep the fill flowing versus draining? You may be surprised by your family’s positive response.

No apologies needed for carving out time to be a better you. Go Girl!

We enjoy our empty nest, but it wasn’t all happy faces when the baby birdies flew. And it didn’t get easier with each one. I was surprised at the depth of my emotion, especially considering how hard we had worked to get them wherever they were going. If any one of them had come home, I would have sent them back! The timing was right all four times and we were excited for them. I found being supportive didn’t make their leaving any easier.

Moving day was fun and giggles until the drive home when realization settled in that my child wouldn’t be home in bed that night; they wouldn’t wake up at our house the next morning; I wouldn’t know what they were doing or if they were eating or sleeping. That’s when the loss hit me – like a brick wall. It hurt so much.

I want to emphasize even though it was right and I was happy about it, there was a loss to grieve. All loss needs to be worked through or the feelings get stuck in our emotion bank.

I missed them. I missed touching them, talking to them, hearing about their day, cleaning up after them…every little thing. It was too quiet after each one left. The atmosphere and dynamics changed and required adjustment. I don’t like change – I don’t even like to get a haircut! I like each one of them and missed experiencing them and knowing the little things. I love them and my heart felt ripped out without them near me. I needed each one of them and needed them to need me. These intense feelings did change and dissipate with time. We developed a new normal and I quit crying.

And now we love our empty nest. We love when they come and love when they go. Life goes on…

Ecclesiastes 3:1,4 (NIV)
¹ There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,

One resource that can be helpful is the knowing 7 Stages of Grief so you can understand the emotions of loss. Though designed to work through the death of a loved one, recognizing and understanding these stages can help with any loss. You don’t necessarily go through the stages in order, but you may jump around and even repeat the stages.

7 Stages of Grief...

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

2. PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.

You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn’t do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.

You may rail against fate, questioning “Why me?” You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair (“I will never drink again if you just bring him back”)

4. “DEPRESSION”, REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be “talked out of it” by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your “depression” begins to lift slightly.

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.